strike that; reverse it

Don’t ever, ever attempt a video blog when your brain isn’t fully functional. I realized I was referring to myself as an INFP when I meant INTP. Which is a rather large mistake. So there goes that. Anyway, I thought I would take some of my points from the (failed) video blog and just write them out. I know I promised another vlog last week and I was cramming out of guilt, but forget that. The point of my video blog was that what you see of me here, is only a very two-dimensional view. It misses a lot. Sure, I’m as much of myself as I can be from across the internet, but you’re seeing me from a screen. You aren’t really interacting, you don’t know all my quirks and flaws; just like I don’t know yours. So! It was something of an ‘enlightenment’ thing, to let you know a bit more about who I really am, not just who you see. (An actual vlog will come. When, I don’t know; but it will come.)

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• My brain type is INTP. While this isn’t exclusive, it’s accurate for a general grasp of how I tick.

• I possess both complete confidence and no confidence at all. I have no idea how this is possible, but it is.

• I can be passive about things that should effect me, and I get emotional over things that don’t mean anything.

• Spending time with people, even when I’m having a blast and enjoying myself, drains my energy very quickly. I need solitude to recharge. This is why I don’t like busy days, schedules, or shopping.

• I’m a pluviophile; I draw energy and inspiration from gray skies, clouds, rain, and storms. Most of my family is the opposite. We call them solar-powered. The sun puts me to sleep.

• I tend to be detached, and view everything from kind of a third-person point of view. I can easily look at someone and know how they truly feel, even when they try to hide it, but I have no idea how to react to it. I’m not good at comforting people.

• I will understand people who have done horrific things and find all kinds of ways they could be redeemed, but I have a very low tolerance for shallow, petty misbehaviors.

• I have heavy deja vu, to the point of sometimes-I-can-predict-the-next-few-seconds-of-the-future-because-I-remember-it-already-happening. On the fourth, we were sitting outside watching fireworks, and I knew I had been in this exact situation before. I could remember it clearly. I knew that my sister was• going to say, “Patriotic blood” – and she did. This comes and goes in waves; I will go for months with no deja vu whatsoever, and then I’ll get attacked with it three times in a month.

• I’m almost impossible to scare. If you want to frighten me, you should plan weeks in advance. I will probably find out.

• I hate to be doing something I’m not enthusiastic about. If I’m reading a book on a topic I feel is boring, I won’t retain any of the knowledge. If I’m having a dull conversation, it is almost physically impossible to keep my mind from jumping to something more interesting.

• I hate not knowing why. If you ask me to do something, tell me why. If you don’t, chances I’ll do it drop by about ninety percent.

• I have such vivid dreams that frequently I can’t remember if they actually happened or not.

• I can be extremely polite, but the more I like you, the more casual I become. If I’m comfortable with you, I’ll joke with you. I will drop conventions and treat you like my best friend.

• My resting face is what’s typically known as ‘murderous.’ This includes the moods a) sleepy b) cranky c) bored d) relaxed e) listening f) thinking g) dead.

• I like imperfections. Genuinely, not ironically. However, if I like someone a lot, I will refer to them as ‘perfect’ even though I like them because they aren’t.

• I’m not a suit of armor, although I may come across like it. I’m actually one of the most sensitive people I know.

• However, if I don’t know you, chances are I won’t care one whit about your opinion.

• I don’t like to talk about myself. It might seem like I do, but I don’t. If someone comes up and asks how I truly feel, I fumble. If they ask me to tell someone about my book, I end up sounding like I have no idea what I’m talking about. I avoid the spotlight as much as possible when talking to actual people. Online I’m far more comfortable; don’t be surprised if you meet me in real life and find me much more reserved than I seem.

• Even when I seem moody and morose, chances are I’m quite happy. I just forget to focus on how I appear to everyone else. This conversation – “Are you angry?” “No, I’m great! Why?” “Well, you look mad.” “…I do!?” happens more often than I like to confess. Honestly, my expression matches my true feelings probably fifteen percent of the time; and my only explanation is the wiring. Somewhere, a circuit is a bit off.

This covers quite a lot about myself, and hopefully I can avoid any more glaring ‘about me’ posts. I do genuinely want you to see ‘the real me’ and not just a projection of myself, but to some extent, that’s impossible. I just want to make it as possible as I can. And like I said, don’t ever vlog when your brain is dead. You’ll thank me. I promise.

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4 thoughts on “strike that; reverse it

  1. ((HUG)) The you you present yourself to be, and the you you really are are both unique, special, and interesting. Thanks for sharing. We may not “see” what another is like “behind closed doors”, but the Lord does know how to make the unseen”clearer”. Noone is perfect, we ALL have faults; we ALL make mistakes and, sometimes, behave badly. But, I can personally say, that you have often seen “me” as some people I am near have not often seen me. The blessing of the online friendship is also the lack of stress to be something we are not. Sometimes, we need a “safe” place to “be me”. And you allow some of us to just enjoy and be. That blesses me. That doesn’t mean that we are trying to be deceptive, trying to hide the not-so-comely qualities about ourselves. It just means that we have discovered how to “cooperate” and “play” nicely. ;)Thanks!

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  2. • I possess both complete confidence and no confidence at all. I have no idea how this is possible, but it is…… Sorry…. totally extremely 100% inherited. You do more than occasionally look like me!

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  3. Ahhhh. I WONDERED why the amazing video you posted last night was gone before I could comment. XD And pft, it was just a typo–er… speako. So. No worries! Really! <3

    I was going to say:
    ":O You're scared of the phone TOO? HIGH FIVE. Also I do the thing with the checking for the time and not noticing and having to check several more times before I process it! All. the. time."

    And this was an interesting post!

    I'm totally with you on the solitude/spending time with people/shopping thing! Draining.
    And the "are you angry?" thing. Yes. -_- It happens. (I don't mean to look angry. o.o)
    (The deja vu thing is verrrry interesting. O_O)

    I was also going to say you're the same personality type as my dad. But no, apparently you're the same personality type as my oldest brother. XD Fascinating… I totally need to re-figure out what type I am…

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