The Art of Mirriam Neal

strike that; reverse it

Don’t ever, ever attempt a video blog when your brain isn’t fully functional. I realized I was referring to myself as an INFP when I meant INTP. Which is a rather large mistake. So there goes that. Anyway, I thought I would take some of my points from the (failed) video blog and just write them out. I know I promised another vlog last week and I was cramming out of guilt, but forget that. The point of my video blog was that what you see of me here, is only a very two-dimensional view. It misses a lot. Sure, I’m as much of myself as I can be from across the internet, but you’re seeing me from a screen. You aren’t really interacting, you don’t know all my quirks and flaws; just like I don’t know yours. So! It was something of an ‘enlightenment’ thing, to let you know a bit more about who I really am, not just who you see. (An actual vlog will come. When, I don’t know; but it will come.)

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• My brain type is INTP. While this isn’t exclusive, it’s accurate for a general grasp of how I tick.

• I possess both complete confidence and no confidence at all. I have no idea how this is possible, but it is.

• I can be passive about things that should effect me, and I get emotional over things that don’t mean anything.

• Spending time with people, even when I’m having a blast and enjoying myself, drains my energy very quickly. I need solitude to recharge. This is why I don’t like busy days, schedules, or shopping.

• I’m a pluviophile; I draw energy and inspiration from gray skies, clouds, rain, and storms. Most of my family is the opposite. We call them solar-powered. The sun puts me to sleep.

• I tend to be detached, and view everything from kind of a third-person point of view. I can easily look at someone and know how they truly feel, even when they try to hide it, but I have no idea how to react to it. I’m not good at comforting people.

• I will understand people who have done horrific things and find all kinds of ways they could be redeemed, but I have a very low tolerance for shallow, petty misbehaviors.

• I have heavy deja vu, to the point of sometimes-I-can-predict-the-next-few-seconds-of-the-future-because-I-remember-it-already-happening. On the fourth, we were sitting outside watching fireworks, and I knew I had been in this exact situation before. I could remember it clearly. I knew that my sister was• going to say, “Patriotic blood” – and she did. This comes and goes in waves; I will go for months with no deja vu whatsoever, and then I’ll get attacked with it three times in a month.

• I’m almost impossible to scare. If you want to frighten me, you should plan weeks in advance. I will probably find out.

• I hate to be doing something I’m not enthusiastic about. If I’m reading a book on a topic I feel is boring, I won’t retain any of the knowledge. If I’m having a dull conversation, it is almost physically impossible to keep my mind from jumping to something more interesting.

• I hate not knowing why. If you ask me to do something, tell me why. If you don’t, chances I’ll do it drop by about ninety percent.

• I have such vivid dreams that frequently I can’t remember if they actually happened or not.

• I can be extremely polite, but the more I like you, the more casual I become. If I’m comfortable with you, I’ll joke with you. I will drop conventions and treat you like my best friend.

• My resting face is what’s typically known as ‘murderous.’ This includes the moods a) sleepy b) cranky c) bored d) relaxed e) listening f) thinking g) dead.

• I like imperfections. Genuinely, not ironically. However, if I like someone a lot, I will refer to them as ‘perfect’ even though I like them because they aren’t.

• I’m not a suit of armor, although I may come across like it. I’m actually one of the most sensitive people I know.

• However, if I don’t know you, chances are I won’t care one whit about your opinion.

• I don’t like to talk about myself. It might seem like I do, but I don’t. If someone comes up and asks how I truly feel, I fumble. If they ask me to tell someone about my book, I end up sounding like I have no idea what I’m talking about. I avoid the spotlight as much as possible when talking to actual people. Online I’m far more comfortable; don’t be surprised if you meet me in real life and find me much more reserved than I seem.

• Even when I seem moody and morose, chances are I’m quite happy. I just forget to focus on how I appear to everyone else. This conversation – “Are you angry?” “No, I’m great! Why?” “Well, you look mad.” “…I do!?” happens more often than I like to confess. Honestly, my expression matches my true feelings probably fifteen percent of the time; and my only explanation is the wiring. Somewhere, a circuit is a bit off.

This covers quite a lot about myself, and hopefully I can avoid any more glaring ‘about me’ posts. I do genuinely want you to see ‘the real me’ and not just a projection of myself, but to some extent, that’s impossible. I just want to make it as possible as I can. And like I said, don’t ever vlog when your brain is dead. You’ll thank me. I promise.

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