//I need you to read this.

Once upon a time, there was a teenaged girl. This girl and her best friend had overactive imaginations and were curious – literally – to a fault. One day, these girls, out of sinful curiosity, decided to role-play as some of their fictional characters, for plotting purposes. The characters switched around, the stories spiraled downward, and things quickly got out of hand as sinful curiosity took over. This teenaged girl and her best friend, under cover of darkness and guilt, proceeded to act out situations that involved making out. This happened twice; each time accompanied by an oppressive blanket of guilt and the seething knowledge that this was wrong and – yeah, really gross. This was the beginning of the end for this friendship as peer pressure and manipulation drenched the girl in so much guilt she couldn’t take it, and began to pull away from the toxicity.

The girl was me, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, and I’m telling you this for a reason. After a long struggle with a heavy burden, I moved past the guilt. I knew God forgave me, and the guilt became a profound regret. I tried to right the friendship; to take it back to what it had been, but that proved impossible. I knew what I had done was wrong – it didn’t even come from attraction for my best friend. Curiosity has always been probably my biggest strength and my biggest weakness, and the experiment, as it were, left me feeling dirty and worthless. As I accepted God’s forgiveness, I forgave myself – to the point where I actually forgot what had happened.

Until a few days ago, when out of nowhere my ex-best friend’s new best friend commented on something another friend posted on Facebook. I mentioned this in my open letter, but I hoped that I had calmed everything down; that people could be reasonable, that people would understand that something bad that happened years ago doesn’t have bearing on people who learned from their mistakes, grew, and changed. I was wrong.

Instead, I was slammed with threats and blackmail – with this person calling me a hypocrite and a pretender, saying I acted like some ‘good Christian girl’ with a ‘secret like this on my conscience.’ I was confused at first. This ‘secret’ had nothing to do with my friends – it didn’t even have anything to do with who I am today. But it refused to die down, and so here I am, telling you.

I kissed a girl, twice, and I didn’t like it. I’m also asking your forgiveness. Everyone carries the burden of past sins, and everyone has consequences. My consequence is a deep regret. But mistakes are for learning, and I learned many things through that experience – I learned what not to do, I learned that I didn’t want to do things that would weigh me down. I learned what true friendship looks like – and what manipulation looks like. In short – I learned. I’m telling you all this because if you do hear it, I don’t want it to be from my enemy. I want it to be from me. I want to be honest with you, and to tell you that I’m not perfect, and I never have been. To tell you that, as I type this, I feel an enormous sense of relief washing over me. To let you know that I’m here for you, if you ever want to talk about a burden you’re carrying or an anchor weighing you down. I’m here if you ever want to tell me about your guilt or regrets. I’m here because I understand what it feels like.

This is my apology, this is my statement, and this is me – a person growing and changing and, hopefully, improving with every minute of life.

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:

Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, and thought he forbearance of God;

To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and thet justifier of him which believeth in Jesus.

  • Romans 3:23-26

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22 thoughts on “//I need you to read this.

  1. I’ve said it privately and now I’ll say it publicly. We’ve all done stupid things as teens. The most important thing is that you confessed and received forgiveness from the Lord, and then moved past it, using it to grow and mature

    You have my full and free forgiveness, and my complete support. You are not only a beautiful person inside and out, but you’re an amazing friend who I cannot imagine my life without.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. And you are the girl, that when you enter eternity, Christ will welcome with open arms and say: ‘well done, my good and faithful servant.’

    Keep living for Him, Baby Girl. Keep shining the Light.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I always read your posts but usually just lurk. I can’t do that today. Thank you for your honesty and the mature way you’re handling this situation. If my forgiveness matters at all, you have it fully. I love you TONS, and I’m really happy you have been able to move on. It just occurred to me that I “met” you when I was 14 years old. Seven years later, I still think of you as an amazing person. You have helped me out in my messy life simply by being who you are, and I know there are countless other lives you’ve touched as well. THAT is what matters, not things from the past already lost in His sea of forgetfulness. I hope the other parties will come to realize that as well!

    xoxox
    Gabby

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Miss Melody took the words out of my mouth before I had a chance to say them. We have all done stupid or regretable things as children and I am no exception. The combination of naivetty, innocence, and curiosity can cause many less than wholesome situations.
    But seriously. I am astounded that this was brought up by not even the person in question for no other reason than to make you feel bad about something you had long moved past! It’s just so unjust. My prayers are with them because they seem to be the ones who are most in need of healing in this situation. <3

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I really respect the courage it took to post this (and the previous one). Know that you’re loved, and that the past is the past, and you are made new. <3 I'm just sorry for all the hurt and hatefulness thrown at you.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Aren’t you relieved, wonderfully, twirlingly relieved, that you are not your mistakes? That I am not my mistakes? I don’t honestly know how I would live with myself let alone anyone else if I was bound forever to my mistakes.

    Where are mine? Right next to yours and every other person who calls on Christ Jesus for mercy, redemption and surrenders to His lordship of their lives.

    They are in the sea of forgetfullness, sunk to the bottom tied to a stone that reads ‘PAID IN FULL by Yeshua Bar Joseph, Son of God. Son of Man.’

    Soli Gloria Dei, Merry Hearted Whirly Gig. Soli Gloria Dei.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Your statement has filled me with an even deeper respect and admiration for you, Mirriam, for the person I have always seen and loved. Your strong personality, faith, and talent is inspiring, as is your honesty, humility, and honorable character. Carry on, girl! You are indeed a gift of God. We all make mistakes, we’re human. :) By the grace of God, we may live on with Him at our side. You’re a beautiful person!
    Blessings

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I don’t think any less of you, just like I don’t think God thinks any less of you. He casts our sins away as far as the east is from the west.

    And please, don’t feel like you’re some weird person with a deep dark secret. Even though I never did that sort of thing, I can totally understand how that would happen. You were just teenagers, it was just pretend…I role-played made up stories all the time when I was a kid. It didn’t go that far, but I can see how if I had gotten too carried away and not been really thinking stuff like that can happen.

    You don’t need the respect of people who are pointing out a spec in your eye when they might have a tree in their own.

    Thanks for being open about this. Even though it’s your private life and you are under no obligation to talk about it, it shows that you are above reproach and that you are humble.

    I still look up to you as an awesome person I want to be like in many ways ;)

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Mirriam, this took such guts. I echo what Rachel said above. You’ve risen above and beyond these past mistakes only by letting go of guilt and embracing God’s grace and these words here took bravery. ((HUG))

    Liked by 3 people

  10. I respect the courage it took for you to say this, Mirriam. I appreciate the fact that you are letting this experience be a way you can reach out to others. We all have burdens and regrets to some degree in our lives… It’s nice to know that you are a listening ear.

    May God’s blessings be in your life. :)

    Liked by 2 people

  11. If the person we are today was measured by the person we used to be, nobody would like anyone. Sin is something that everyone experiences, but thanks to Christ’s amazing forgiveness we can all walk freely. Sins are meant to be left in the past where they belong. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this when you found yourself being questioned. I’m praying for you! :) ~ Bethany

    Liked by 3 people

  12. It took true grit to put up this blog post, and my admiration and respect for you has only grown. Keep your chin up darling!
    People who try to bring us down do so because they can’t stand to see us when we excel and move on in our lives; growing and picking our selves up and moving forward.
    Don’t let this burden swallow you up…everyone has done, and will do, something that they regret, and we can only learn if we make mistakes sometimes. and EVERYONE makes mistakes. NO ONE is perfect, no matter what they think.
    sending you many prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Mirriam, look at all this support. This won’t be all the comments, I assure you. I don’t think that there’s anything for us to forgive — we all understand and love you for who you are. Mistakes are often when we spring forth in growth, and it’s amazing how you let something that /could/ have dragged you down instead lift you up, teach you, and allow you to help others.
    You’re the true Lionheart in this game of life and we love you so much for it.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Thank you for your honesty. Just by that you have proven love, loyalty, and friendship, and your desire to do what is right as best you can. Love you, Mirriam, friend and sister in Jesus. You bless my days. (More in your FB messages.) :-)

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Mirriam, you are one of the strongest people I know and I have more respect for you now than I did before. I hope these people have no doubt left in their minds that you’re not the past of a girl that ex-best friend is holding on to and telling people about. To be honest and confess openly is probably one of the hardest things to ever do and you just did it.

    I don’t judge these people; but I know that what they’re doing is wrong. They don’t know you. They know a shadow of you; only things someone else has told them. No one has a right to judge people based on that.

    This issue obviously hurt a lot of people and one of them got over it. One of them is stronger now. And one of them has moved on. I sincerely pray that the ones involved on the other side of this can do the same and grow closer to God and I pray that you won’t let yourself rethink your past actions or feel more guilt over them because that’s not who you are. <3

    You are bigger than your sin because of the grace of God; you are stronger than your past self because you //learned// from your mistakes; you're happier because you let this go.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for your raw honesty in everything. It means so much to me and I love you for it. Don't stop, don't go back, and don't let this get you down because, "all [they] are is mean."

    I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. As I read this, I felt admiration for your bravery and courage. Conviction for issues in my own life, and just love for you. You have always amazed me by the way you acted. And even more so now. :) I love you.

    Like

  17. I would feel I was remiss, if I did not say this “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ.” This is what came to me as I read your blog post. No condemnation from Christ, none from me. You are an amazing, growing person.

    Like

  18. oh man. I so needed to read something like this…your honesty and courage and grace in this post is amazing. It made me dig out my own skeletons in the closet, look them in the eyes, and remember that they no longer own me. thank you, thank you for being brave. God is doing great things through you. <3

    Like

  19. I wish I could give you a big hug, this must have been hard to write. Yet you did it anyway, you were honest and shared something that I know I would be too scared to share. You inspired me to own up to my own mistakes and not be afraid of what people might think, and I love that you held on to God through all this. Stay strong.

    Like

  20. Like somebody else mentioned, I’m normally just a shadow reader of your blog. Remembering to comment is not my forte, but I couldn’t let this post pass up.

    You don’t need my forgiveness because you have God’s, but I wanted you to know that I have it. And I want you to know that to some extent I understand. I’ve done some pretty stupid, sinful things as a teenaged girl and as an adult — some I’m still struggling with — and you’re right, the regret is there and it can be like a suffocating cloud, but GOD’s LOVE AND FORGIVENESS IS BIGGER. I know you already know this. Don’t ever forget it, Mirriam. Just keep hanging on to him and know that you are precious beyond measure.

    Thank you for your bravery, for your courage, for reminding me that my past doesn’t own me, that I will always be forgiven.

    You’ve been such an inspiration to me over the years I’ve read your blog, and I’ve always thought of you as a kind, strong person. Today only impressed that in my mind further. You don’t know me, but I feel like I know you so well from all the posts I’ve read and I can honestly say I’m proud of you.

    You’re a bright light for our Savior. <3

    Like

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