//10:49 p.m.

I’m sitting on my bed in a room dimly lit by fairy lights strung up over my bed, listening to a Chinese pop song through the cutest flowered headphones on the planet. I have an open notebook, and I should be writing…even though I already wrote a chapter this afternoon. I sat cross-legged on the hard wood of the back deck for two hours this afternoon in perfect fall weather, working on one of the tough novels (Acceso). It was emotionally difficult, but also idyllic and a little like paradise. There are other things I could be doing. I could be crawling my way through the final revision-slash-edit over ‘Dark is the Night.’ I could be watching the next video in the James Patterson MasterClass (if the video will load). I could be working on one of my final art commissions, but instead I’m writing a blog post about doing them.

SILAS2

Life is like that sometimes – in fact, my whole past month has been that way. It’s been a struggle between doing what I want to do and what I should be doing, and for the most part, what I want to do has won out. This isn’t always bad – usually, I advocate it. But it’s a bad habit to get into, and it’s oh so easy to cultivate.

I live in my head. Sometimes I’m so wrapped up in my own mind that I forget I haven’t been physically productive. I can gather inspiration until I burst, but I’m so busy in the gathering that I forget to use it all. I’ve felt like a rubber band – last month I was stretched, and this month I snapped back in the opposite direction. Outwardly hasn’t seen much change; but inwardly, there has been turmoil and a boiling cauldron of never-ending questions I prefer to drown out by doing something else. Did I lose my ability to trust people? Over something that small? No, I still trust people, it’s just harder. Am I weak for letting it all affect me this way? Should I be doing something else? Am I living? I feel like I’m living – am I doing anything worthwhile? Am I affecting anyone? Helping anyone? Or is my entire existence wrapped up in my own skull?

It’s a time of figuring things out, but it will always be that time. You can’t stay in the planning stage forever – sometimes you just need to make it all up as you go along – and at least I know all about making things up. After all, I am a writer.

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8 thoughts on “//10:49 p.m.

  1. Sometimes you just need to listen to the hard questions, like those questions, and be all right with the fact that your soul’s answer, at the moment, is just silence.

    I think the hardest part of being a writer or someone who plays with words or directs characters is when there is a cessation of words. Quiet can be horrifying.

    Quiet can also be the place where you find out that you don’t know; don’t know the answer to those questions, don’t know how to find the answer to those questions, and don’t know how to explain that you don’t have the answers to those questions.

    What I have discovered walking through places like that quiet you don’t want, is that you have to /get/ into that quiet to hear a certain Still Small Voice. The Voice that’s not in the storm, or the fire, or the earthquake. It’s in the stillness.

    Linger in the quiet. Listen. And while I can’t guarantee you’ll get answers from the One that is in the Stillness, I can guarantee you’ll get Him. Which is terrifying in a whole other way. But that subject is for another time xD

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  2. Oh, Mirriam. <3 I understand this and I relate and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. But can I just say a thing? //Feeling// if you're making a difference ain't making the difference. It's what you do. You know that. You are called to write and you are called to write Accesso. You're doing that. You don't need feelings to validate your work. (Francis Bacon says that the senses are liars and should not be trusted so if you have a hard time trusting, don't turn to feelings – they will betray you. ;) ) Just do it. You are making a difference, I promise you. And I love you for pushing through (well, many other reasons too, but this is definitely one of them).

    Also, you do trust people whether you feel like you do or not. Look at what you wrote and published at 10:49 p.m. With every post, you let us into your head. If that's not trust, I want to know what you call it instead. You are raw, creative, giving, compassionate, beautiful. And you let us see that.

    Even if trusting is harder now, you'll get through it like you did with every other hard thing. The thing is… you already identified the potential problem. So don't wait around for it to go away. Otherwise it'll just take over. This is what you and I discussed a few weeks ago. It came down to not trusting others with yourself. Don't let it happen again because people love who you are now that they know /you./ Some things don't need to be spoken about; some things need to be private. But you know the difference between bottling it up and simply being private. And you know who you can talk to if you need advice, support, and love. Go to them fast and get better. I love you + I'm praying for you, okay? <3 You'll get through this and become stronger.

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  3. I can relate to this post whole-heartedly. Trust is a huge struggle for me, but believe me, you are doing a great job, and its okay to be cautious when trusting people. there is a saying about trust, and it is so very true:
    “Trust is like a piece of paper; once it’s crumbled it can’t ever be really perfect again.”

    but you’re a strong, beautiful person and I know you can get through this! sending you prayers <3

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  4. Your past several posts I haven’t commented on even though I really wanted to, mostly because they’ve started me writing my own blog posts – they got me thinking past what could be said in a comment.
    But here I’ll just say I identify with so much of this. Drowning out my own thoughts. Doing what I want instead of what I should because it distracts me from so much I want to be distracted from. Thinking how I’ve normalized telling myself “I have trust issues” (and just beginning to realize that maybe I need to work on it, rather than accept it).

    I’m starting to understand how much of it is a deliberate choice – perhaps I don’t feel like trusting others…but if I deliberately decide to be open with them, to extend my hand to them knowing I might get yanked down, I /have/ trusted, regardless of how ready I felt. And each time I do what I should instead of what I want, that too is a deliberate choice I can make. (If you had any idea how many times that quote, “In order to change, change,” has run through my head…that’s one of the blog posts I’m working on. :)

    Sowing and reaping, planning and doing, absorbing and giving…they both need to happen. And whichever side of that balance you’re on…you’re not there by yourself. :) The One perfecting us knows exactly when we need fed and watered and when we need to get out and accomplish something. <3

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