//open

Yesterday, Lauren – one of my closest friends and favorite people – said, “You cry very easily and honestly I think it’s a beautiful thing.” Which, of course, nearly made me cry again – because it took a long time to get here; to reach the point where I was comfortable showing my emotions. Most things either

  • make me laugh
  • make me cry
  • or bore me to death. It wasn’t always this way. I cry over things that make me happy. I cry over things I think are awesome. I cry over the beauty of things. I cry over exquisite people. I cry over things that break my heart and things that put it back together.

I cried a lot yesterday. I received a surprise package from my college daughters, Abigail and Laura, and I cried them; overwhelmed with the love I felt. I teared up while screencapping the world’s most exquisite human, because I’m pretty sure God designed him specifically, as Lauren said, to ‘knock my socks off.’ I cried over an article about children in China, because it broke my heart. I cried while writing a brief scene in one of my novels, just because I was so happy with how it was turning out.

CARE
the package from my beautiful girls

I cry a lot, and a few years ago, I probably would have been mortified and told myself to get a grip – but the truth is, after a time, I was tired of ‘getting a grip.’ I wanted to be secure enough to feel, and I wanted to be comfortable enough to express those feelings. I’m still not good at being open with everyone – I try, but frequently fail. My mom sometimes tells me, out of all my siblings, I’m the most difficult to read, and it’s true – but slowly, bit by bit, I’m getting better. I’m opening myself up.

It’s a frightening thing, pulling back that curtain and letting everyone see you for who you really are. I try to be honest, but so often I deceive myself. I think I’ve got something down when I don’t. I’ll pretend I’m fine with something when I’m not – and even when I realize I’m not fine, I won’t say anything about it.

I remember vividly as a child, I would snicker when people around me would cry during a movie. It seemed so silly to me then, to have emotions over something. [I was frequently a very stony child.] Now I think about how I was then, and I laugh – because if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s something Zooey Deschanel phrased better than I ever could.

“Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things.”

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20 thoughts on “//open

  1. I adore the simplicity and honest of this post and Lauren is right. I’m glad you’re big enough to open up and talk like this because I’m not. I cry way too easily and I don’t like it. But it’s easier to love what you deem flaws when you see others loving the same thing in themselves. And, honestly, you’ve helped me love myself more than I ever could on my own. One thing in particular: lips! Ever since someone pointed out that my lower lip stuck out farther than the upper one, I’d been self-conscious and didn’t like my lips. But one day you pointed out that you had the same feature and that you loved your lips. Since then, it’s been easier to love the way I look.

    Thank you for being yourself and being verbal about how much you love yourself (not in a vain way, obviously; but in an honest and graceful way) because, in loving yourself, I’ve been able to love who I am more. <3

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  2. I was called heartless as a child because I refused to cry during movies. I basically taught myself to laugh quietly and to never cry, because I did’t want to show people how I felt. Thankfully I was not entirely successful…but the end result was not enjoyable. Working to change that now is not easy, but wow, life is so much nicer when I manage it. :)

    And honestly you are one of my biggest inspirations to keep fighting to be real and open with people and to share how I’m feeling. *hugs* Seeing when you are open, but also that it’s not crazy easy for you either, is so encouraging…Thank you for that.

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  3. I hide my emotions all the time because I don’t want to be thought of as a crybaby, growing up with two older bothers probably contributed to that. Thanks for helping me to see that there is beauty in vulnerability.

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  4. Learning to cry is a hard thing…Specifically when someone’s been taught that crying is a form of weakness and so has gone most of their life thinking they need to be strong.
    I need to learn to cry again.
    Great post. :)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I often get angry at myself when I cry. I feel like I am weak, and not handling the situation in a strong manner. But crying isn’t always a weakness. Jesus cried when He found out that Lazarus had died, even though He knew He could raise him. Tears are something that we shouldn’t usually feel ashamed of. It is something that I am realizing more and more. Thank you for sharing this!

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  6. This is really good; and I so quite agree. This is one of the reasons I defend Frodo Baggins as not being sissy for crying– especially when he cried “few” times and what he had to do for a three foot hobbit was actually very hard… *cough* ;)

    So this is really REALLY good.

    I think too, for some people, they might feel such intense emotions they simply can’t cry– and it’s not ‘hard-hearted’ for them; they simply can’t because what they feel is too much for crying. And I only say that because I can’t cry a lot of times because what I feel is too much to express: even in sad movies/stories.

    And this isn’t me correcting you or anything. I’ve just come across times when what I felt was so much I couldn’t cry even though I wanted to.

    But bless this post; it’s awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m a person who laughs easy and cries easy (generally speaking). Oftentimes what I’m crying about isn’t even sad, it’s just something so important to my heart that it brings on tears. Though not always comfortable, I think I’d rather feel intensely than not feel at all.
    And thank you for the reminder to be open and honest with the laughter and the tears. <3

    Like

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